The Cost of Being the Strong One: Why Saying “No” Might Be the Most Supportive Thing You Ever Do

Rachel SietzemaRachel Seitzema, host of The Minute Mastery Podcast Episode 058

Are you tired of being “the strong one”. If you’ve ever been called “the strong one,” you know the weight that title can carry. You’re the dependable one, the stable one, the one who shows up even when you’re exhausted, overwhelmed, or struggling in silence. Being strong is admirable, but without balance, it comes with a hidden cost.

In a recent episode of the Minute Mastery Podcast, emotional wellness guide Rachel Sietzema joined me to unpack the truth behind people-pleasing, burnout, and the pressure to always be okay. What she shared resonated deeply with so many listeners, and this blog covers the powerful insights from that conversation.

If you’ve ever struggled with boundaries, over-giving, or saying “yes” when your whole body is begging you to say “no,” this is for you.

We live in a culture that praises strength, especially silent strength. But the people who appear the strongest are often the ones carrying the heaviest burdens.

Rachel explains that the role of “the strong one” usually begins in childhood:

  • Growing up with reactive parents
  • Wanting to avoid conflict
  • Trying to stay loved, accepted, or safe
  • Being the responsible sibling
  • Being taught that service equals worth

This conditioning forms a pattern Rachel calls “pleasitis”, the automatic impulse to keep everyone happy so you can feel safe.

But constantly anticipating everyone else’s needs disconnects you from your own. Over time, that disconnection becomes:

  • Anxiety
  • Resentment
  • Loneliness
  • Chronic fatigue
  • Perfectionism and procrastination
  • Low self-esteem
  • Physical tension, headaches, gut issues, and even burnout

These symptoms often build slowly, which makes them easy to ignore. One skipped hobby, one rushed morning, one “sure, I’ll help” at a time, until you can’t remember the last time you chose something purely for yourself.

Is It Just Tiredness, or Burnout? How to Tell the Difference

We all get tired. That’s human. But burnout is different.

Rachel shares a key distinction: Tiredness is relieved by rest. Burnout is not.

If you’re emotionally drained, mentally foggy, and physically depleted, even after resting, you may be experiencing the deeper exhaustion caused by chronic over-giving. Burnout also shows up when:

  • Activities you once enjoyed no longer bring pleasure
  • You can’t identify what YOU want anymore
  • You feel responsible for everyone’s comfort
  • Your body feels tense all the time
  • You wake up tired, no matter how long you sleep
  • You constantly feel “on alert”

This is the moment when many strong people finally realize:
Strength without boundaries is survival, not living.

Are Tired of Being "The Strong One?" Why Saying “No” Is Not Selfish, It’s Supportive!

This was one of the most powerful parts of the conversation.

People think “no” is for the other person, but Rachel explains that “no” is actually a message to yourself:

  • “I matter.”
  • “My energy matters.”
  • “My needs are real.”
  • “My voice counts.”

When you never say no, you silence yourself. You teach your mind and body that you don’t deserve rest, comfort, or choices.

But when you say no, even when it feels uncomfortable, you build an inner voice that says:

“You deserve to be heard.”

And the truth is this:

  1.  A strong no creates a healthier, more genuine yes.
  2. Boundaries don’t push people away, they protect your relationships.
  3.  Saying no teaches others how to respect you, and teaches you how to respect yourself.

But What About Real Responsibilities, Like Caregiving?

In the episode, Rachel vulnerably shared her journey caring for her husband through a terminal illness. That season required constant giving, and sometimes burnout was unavoidable.

But even then, she realized something important:

  • Most caregivers wait too long to receive help
  • They stop doing the small things that bring joy
  • They forget to check in with themselves
  • They feel guilty resting
  • They lose parts of their identity in the process

Her advice?

  1.  Start your day by connecting with yourself, even if only for 5 minutes.
  2.  Let others help you. 
  3. Don’t wait until you’re desperate to refill your cup. Even in seasons where you must show up for others, you cannot disappear from your own life.

How to Start Setting Healthy Boundaries, Without Feeling Guilty

Many strong people fear boundaries because they don’t want to disappoint anyone. But saying yes from guilt helps no one.

Here are gentle ways to begin:

  •  Pause Before You Answer. Most people-pleasers respond automatically. A simple two-second pause activates the conscious mind and allows choice.
  •  Practice in low-stake situations like : Ask to change tables at a café, tell a child, “I will answer you after my tea”, decline a small request in an email. Small wins build confidence.
  • Ask: “Would I want my best friend to do this?” If the answer is no, you have your answer.
  • 4. Start your day with you

A journal entry.
A stretch.
A cup of tea in silence.
Your needs first—before the world rushes in.

The First Step to Break Free from the “Strong One” Identity

Rachel left listeners with one powerful word: Pause.

Pause long enough to ask yourself:

  • What do I need right now?
  • Is this helpful for me AND them?
  • Am I choosing this or reacting from habit?

Your freedom begins the moment you stop living on autopilot and start choosing intentionally

Final Word And Resources

Being strong doesn’t mean saying yes to everything.

Being strong means you get to choose.

Your yes should come from alignment, not obligation.
Your strength should support you, not drain you.
Your giving should be sustainable, not self-erasing.

If you’re always the strong one, this is your reminder:
You deserve rest.
You deserve support.
You deserve to be heard.

And saying “no” may be the most loving choice you make this year.

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